I met the friendliest cop last night
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
