After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
