cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
