I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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