I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
