You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
