i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
