I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
