You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize