So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
