Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
