I look better un-naked...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
