I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
