I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
