I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
