i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize