Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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