i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
