So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
