I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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