what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize