I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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