Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
