guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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