K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
