I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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