Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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