Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize