im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
