i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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