yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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