Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
