Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
