Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
