her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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