she woke up with a sticky ear
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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