is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
