so that wasnt chicken after all
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
