My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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