Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
