i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
