So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
