Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
