there's paper in my vomit.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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