So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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