Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
