I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
