Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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