There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
