So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
