Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
