you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
