What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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