Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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