it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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