and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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