So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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