The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
