Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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