I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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