When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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