I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
