You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
