i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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