He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
