Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
People in love make me want to vomit
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
