how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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